hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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