listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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