I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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