Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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