I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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