you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
