Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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