If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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