she woke up with a sticky ear
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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