i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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