The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
