remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
