i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
