I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I believe in your delicious
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
