I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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