omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
