mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
