never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
