We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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