her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
