it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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