he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
