I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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