Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
