I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
