dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
