So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
