Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
