mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
