He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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