and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You pole danced in your parka.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
