What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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