I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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