My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
