I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
