He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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