i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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