i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
