i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
