how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
