Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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