The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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