Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
