I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
