Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this boner is exhausting
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
