If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
