I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
