??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
