awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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