I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
