i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
