well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He did a backflip because drugs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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