fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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