if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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